is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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