Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
