why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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