stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
