dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
