I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
