my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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