why didn't you poke me back
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
