Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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