So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
