He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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