The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Randomize
