im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
