Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
