FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
