I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
