You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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