i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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