Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
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Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
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Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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