toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
