Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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