o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
