if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
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