Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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