Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
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these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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