remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
