i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
