My nipple is on Facebook.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
