i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
