are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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