Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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