I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
