He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
