Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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