Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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