The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
