I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
