how can u be prego again
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
