Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
