You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
