Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
