I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
