he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
