I am in a vortex of obligation.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
