He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
