I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
