i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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