The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
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I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
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This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight