I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
