dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
