I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
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She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
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I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize