In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
