Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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