Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
