Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
