all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
