I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
