I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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