I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
