If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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