the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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