I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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