I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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